Ca Ca Ca Ca Christmas!

At the Victor Old Fashioned Christmas my friend Sarah and I sang a silly Christmas song with the letter "C." It is set to the tune of the "La La La La Lemons" song by Barenaked Ladies. Here are the lyrics we sang!

Sarah-Hi Travis
Travis-Oh hi Sarah
Someone left me this letter "C" and I don't know what to do with it
Sarah-Why don't you hold it up and cheer at a Cubs game?
Travis-Yeah, a lot of good that would do
Sarah-No, I'm just kidding
It's not my "C"
Umm... I was thinking though, you could sing a Ca Ca Ca song with the letter "C"
Travis-Yeah, sounds great...
Sarah-No, I'm serious, you know you could sing some Ca Ca Ca's and then some holiday words that start with "C"
You'd have a nice little song there
Travis-Oh you mean like Ca... Ca Ca!
Sarah-No, not like a crow, c'mon, give it a try
Travis-Oh, okay...

Ca Ca Ca Ca... Creamy
Ca Ca Ca Ca... Carrots
(Sarah-I guess)
Ca Ca Ca Ca... Cabbage
(This is fun!)
Ca Ca Ca Ca... Crispy Crunchy Coleslaw!

Sarah-Uh, I think we're almost there...
I was just thinking sort of more festive holiday words that start with "C"
Like this...

Ca Ca Ca Ca... Crying
(Travis-Uh huh)
Ca Ca Ca Ca... Crabby
(What?)
Ca Ca Ca Ca... Chaotic
(Ahhh...)
Ca Ca Ca Ca... Coal in your stocking!

Travis-Hey, I'm not getting coal!
My holiday is going to be filled with cheer and good tidings
Such as...

Ca Ca Ca Ca... Cookies
(Sarah-Yum!)
Ca Ca Ca Ca... Carols
(Sounds fun!)
Ca Ca Ca Ca... Candy Canes
(I love those!)
Ca Ca Ca Ca... Cracklin' Roaring Fire

Sarah-I think we've got it...
But here is a final verse with the meaning of the holidays
Using the letter C...

Ca Ca Ca Ca... Caring
(Travis-Awww...)
Ca Ca Ca Ca... Covenant
(That's Right)
Ca Ca Ca Ca... Celebrate
(That's not a hard "C")
Ca Ca Ca Ca... Christ Child is born!

Travis-I got one...
You're going to love it!
Sarah-I love it already. Let's hear it.

Travis-Ca Ca Ca... Christmas!

Sarah-Perfect!
Travis-Now, listen to us...
'Cause "C" is such a festive letter...
(Sarah-That's true)
For words like candy canes and cakes the letter "C" lights up your face
So just go Ca Ca Ca Ca CA... with us!

(Everybody)
Ca Ca Ca Ca... Cookies
Ca Ca Ca Ca... Carols
Ca Ca Ca Ca... Candy Canes
Ca Ca Ca Ca... Cracklin' Roaring Fire!

Hope you enjoy! If you missed the actual live performance, then you truly missed a once in a lifetime opportunity. Your bad.

Twenty Things

Well, due to the long time since the last blog entry, and the majority of the world's short attention span, I've resolved to do the following for an update:

Top Twenty Things I've Done Recently That Might Be Interesting to Someone!

20. I shaved probably a good 4 inches off my beard. When it pokes me in the eye in my sleep, it's just too long.

19. I've written (and when I say written, I mean taken the exact same music and put new lyrics in) two Christmas songs for Open Mic Night on December 12th.

18. I just returned from a Thanksgiving vacation to NYC! First time there, and believe it or not, I didn't look to put a down payment on any real estate there.

17. I have a racquetball-sized welt on my back from an incident that occurred at 5 in the morning... but you should've seen the racquetball! Bazinga!

16. I've watched and LOVED the first season of Flight of the Conchords... getting ready for the second season soon. Thank you Netflix.

15. I attended the Chiefs game this year in which the beat the Pittsburgh Steelers in overtime! Booyah!

14. I have recently enjoyed his first TimTam Slam!

13. I just bought a ham to get a free turkey... look out smoker, I'm making big plans for this winter.

12. Two of my best friends are getting married within the next month... don't worry, they aren't getting married to each other.

11. I'm also great friends with the fiancees of the two friends that are getting married... if I've confused you, then I've succeeded.

10. I have missed the season premiere of the ninth season of scrubs. I am upset, but know I can be quickly consoled by Hulu.

9. I love the lineup of Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas because it gives me more excuse to watch plenty of Charlie Brown and Snoopy.

8. I hung up our Christmas lights with the assistance of my lovely wife. Thankfully, no one got injured.

7. I replaced the one of the headlamps in our Mazda 3s which included getting into some tight spaces. Thankfully, no injuries.

6. I plugged in our Christmas lights. Unfortunately, I got injured.

5. The most disgusting thing I saw whilst walking in NYC was a pile of poop in a corner along the sidewalk... it was of the human persuasion.

4. I was hit by a deer while traveling in Missouri in the first week of October.

3. Three days after receiving my car back from the deer accident repairs it was hit while parked in Iowa City. Thankfully, the guy left a note and insurance took care of it all.

2. I have a new friend named Greg. He works at the McEleney Autoplex Collision center (I really have the deer and random guy who hit my car to thank for this).

1. Number one thing I've done lately (that I can share on this blog)... I had my first glass of eggnog of the holiday season! (Huh, I guess I didn't really place these in order of excitement)

Thanksgiving Cometh

Woohoo, Thanksgiving is on its way! Today I received an email from my friend Carrie who M-J and I are going to see over Thanksgiving in New York! I can't wait to see all the fun sights, take in some authentic New York cuisine, and enjoy a relaxing, classic Thanksgiving with my wonderful wife and friend. By the way, this is the same friend who is marrying one of my best friends, Travis Mack. He owns a fishing lodge in Canada, called Eagle Falls Lodge... check it out, it's amazing. I've just been enjoying pondering about Thanksgiving and the joy that it brings. So many things to be thankful for...

Also, M-J's dad is coming tomorrow for a visit, so we went to get stuff to make pumpkin pie fudge!

This is a short entry, but thought it would be nice to share what was on my mind right now. Hope you are excited about the oncoming holiday as well!

Automobile Jinx

Well, I have quite the current unfortunate time with my car, let me recount:

Over a weekend in October, heading from my friend's house to my parents' in Missouri, a deer jumped out in front of me and I unfortunately made contact with it; it dented in the side of my car, broke a headlight, and the worst thing of all... punctured my windshield washer fluid. I was unable to wash my windshield for days. It was awful. In all reality, I was thankful that I was able to make it back to Iowa and get the car repaired, and as always, thank God for insurance. But what I was most thankful for, was that I assisted in lowering the deer population by one. Scoreboard deer! Scoooooorrrrreeeeeboooooooaaaaarrrrrrddd!

Well, as fate would have it, three days after getting my car back, I was walking back to my car, which was parked on the street in Iowa City near Mercy Hospital. It was on a Friday, and it was pouring rain, and I just finished spending three long days at a conference. Well, as my car came into my view, I realized there was a flyer in the windshield, and as I got closer, I noticed the right front fender was discolored. When I got to my car, I realized my car had been hit, but at least the guy left a note. What a blessing, but my car was hit, and I had to go back to the body shop. When I called the guy at the collision center, he was afraid I was upset with the first repair they made, but found it hilarious that I had another repair to get done (I was not quite in the finding it hilarious mood). Well, all-in-all, I now have two new fenders, and completely repainted bumper, two new headlights, and of course, my beloved windshield washer fluid reservoir. Life was good again.

Oh, but wait. On my way in to work today, I rode in with a friend's carpool because I was actually picking up my car today from the repair. Halfway in to Iowa City, we got a flat tire on the interstate (which of course was oodles of fun). I had the privilege of changing the flat tire and putting on the donut (which I was happy to do), but can you imagine the spectacle of three grown women dressed in professional garb and one scruffy bearded dude on the side of the interstate changing a tire. I suppose it was a blessing that I was there, not because they couldn't have done it themselves, but that they didn't have to get dirty, and we were only about fifteen minutes late.

Anyway, look out everyone, I'll be back on the road again soon, and who knows what the jinx will bring next...

Frustrations Mounting

Sorry this is not the normal, laid-back, somewhat humorous (hopefully!) blog I usually post, but I'm too frustrated with how the day has gone to not write about it. Aside from the mild stresses that car upkeep costs cause, the remainder of the day has included these items:

A call letting me know that the car costs would be a bit more than expected.

The realization pointed out by a co-worker that himself and I were placed on only 40% appointment this summer instead of our usual 50% appointment, lowering our overall earnings by about 20% (Arrggh!). Although the money stuff does frustrate me (I have a wife, and we have a life, and we budget, and save, and have plans for the summer...long story short, I EXPECT to be payed the same as usual...my workload hasn't change and my expectations haven't changed, and if they have, they've only become greater), the real issue that I'm more frustrated with is that my boss declined any opportunity over the past month to speak with my and my co-worker about the upcoming drop in pay. I've never felt more disrespected. It makes me feel like I'm just a trained monkey to him, doing his work and receiving whatever he feels like paying at the time, without having to concern himself with letting me know. Words are probably not doing justice to how aggravating this is. Oh well...

And lastly, to top off with a cherry on the crap-sundae that this day is turning out, I've just received an email from my boss (he's out of town at a conference), basically saying he's decided that before the experiments that I planned to do this week can be done (which he'd known about for sometime) he thinks we need to do a different series and look over them together...even though the window of opportunity to use the instrument needed for the first set of experiments is small. Oh yeah, and he didn't forget to add an additional note: (that currently feels incredibly condescending) Don't forget to make sure progress is being made on your other projects.

Thank goodness God is good, and I know he's in control...because if I was in control, I would be breaking things.

Pimp My Oil Tank Vol. 1

So after three years of living in Iowa, in our very first home together as a married couple, Mary-Jane and I have decided that we must remove the super-old heating oil tank that had been last used at the same time that carrier pigeons were the main form of long distance communication (give or take a few years). This huge ugly beast of pale yellowness had recently began leaking a little more than I prefer (yet it is empty---so we were told), and I've decided the cost of Oil-Dri is now quite worth it (Neither is the nasty stink that wafts from the old oil). So, my good friend Ben and I were taking a look at the leak and he asked if we had considered removing it. I replied yes, but had not really taken the time, and wasn't sure I has all the correct tools to take things apart without damaging anything, but he felt certain he and I could do it.

He also said he could take it to the dump on his trailer for me, or might know someone that would recycle it or use it and maybe pay a couple of bucks for it. Part of me wanted to say, "Heck yeah, get that hunk of junk out of here for good!" However, a part of me also remembered how cool I thought it would be to turn this sucker into a nice, large smoker that I could attach axles and wheels and maybe a hitch to, so that it would be mobile. Just as I began to answer Ben, he said to my surprise, "Y'know, this thing would make a cool smoker!" At that point, I felt that the destiny of this old oil tank was set...We would take this hunk of junk and rebuild it into the ultimate barbecuing machine...

And so begins the first portion of this transformation tonight, as we attempt to remove the oil tank from my basement and load it on to Ben's trailer to be taken out to EIBC where the next volume of Pimp My Oil Tank will tank place...with hopefully explosive (but not damaging results). Be sure to tune in next time for more revealing details of the features and changes that will be designed for this outdoor cooking creation(with pictures to follow!)

Great Start to the Day

So this morning I stopped by McDonald's to get a cup of sweet tea to start off my Friday morning. Inside the Williamsburg McD's (by the interstate) I came across the most incredibly misplaced people I think that I have ever met. There was a group (two guys and three ladies) that seemed to be straight out of corporate America. They looked like they belonged in downtown New York City, not in the middle of eastern Iowa. They all ordered very "froofy" drinks from the new apparently hipper-than-I-realized "McCafe". I, dressed in a hoodie, shorts, and my black stocking cap that my wife so lovingly denotes makes me look like "I could knock over a liquor store", ordered my tea and walked over with my cup to fill it at the drink station to overhear the metropolitanites describe how "amazing" their drinks were, only to have one slip with the cup, miss her mouth, and spill it all over the floor. I could barely keep from bursting out laughing, especially when an additional girl, in a valley-girl cheerleader-type voice exclaimed, "Oh my god, at least you didn't get any on your sweater!"

Needless to say, I love it when God gives us little things to brighten our day :)

Chemistry Demonstrations Extraordinaire

Okay, maybe extraordinaire was a bit of an unrealistic term, but we have begun the study of gases in chemistry class, so I've decided on a couple of demonstrations to share with the class. Thought you might enjoy knowing that there is occasionally an ounce or two of fun in being a chemistry graduate student, contrary to popular belief.

1st Demo: This is actually for the previous chapter on thermochemistry (the transfer of heat energy from one system to another). I've decided to share an endothermic reaction (one that requires heat energy to "go" thus making the container feel cold - and example would be ammonium nitrate dissolved in water - this is what is in an athletic "instant cold pack"). I'll give a student two vials, each with a different solid. One has ammonium thiocyanate and the other has barium hydroxide octahydrate (doesn't matter if you don't have a clue what these are). What's cool is that when the students mix them together in one vial, they will begin to melt and dissolve into one another, and the vial will get extremely cold (below the freezing point of water), and actually cold enough to freeze the vial to a waterlogged piece of wood...can't wait to try it.

2nd Demo: Demonstrating the fact that increasing the amount of gas in a balloon will cause the volume to increase. Okay, this sounds incredibly obvious and mundane (and it is), but it will be cool because I will weigh out different masses of dry ice (solid CO2) and place them in an empty balloon and tie the balloon. The balloons will then inflate on their own as the CO2 sublimes, and we will be able to predict the volume of the gas in the balloon from the mass of the dry ice - and then check our calculations by actually finding the volume of the balloon. This is done by dunking the balloon in a completely full-to-the-brim bucket of water so that the water that spills out is collected and measured and that will be the volume of the balloon...very cool indeed.

3rd Demo: Demonstrating the fact that decreasing the temperature of a gas will decrease its volume. This was is great because I will have a student come up and inflate a balloon and tie it off. Then, once inflated I will have them place it is a styrofoam cooler and I will pour liquid nitrogen (T = 77 K = -196 deg C = -320.8 deg F) on the balloon and it will shrink (the gases will condense to a much smaller volume (and many will actually change to liquids when they are that cold). Pulling out a small, shriveled balloon, I will lay it on a table, and then as the balloon warms, it will re-inflate! It will be spectacular I'm sure.

Hey, I can't help it if I get excited about this stuff, I'm a dork.

Desensitization Training I

So, Frosty our dog has become more and more anxious and nervous as the days have gone by, even to the point where we were considering adopting a cat to keep him company during the day. Well, after a "house-visit" from the shelter, where essentially a cat comes over to our house for a couple of hours to see if it interacts well with Frosty, we were sure that was the answer. Thomas the Alley Cat was fun, playful, very friendly with us, and very friendly with Frosty. Frosty even liked him, so were set.

The more we thought about it, the more hesitant Mary-Jane and I were to adopt Thomas. We weren't sure how it would work out in the long term, and we were concerned with even if it did work for awhile, "What if eventually Frosty went nuts when we were gone after he was bored with the cat". We didn't want this to be a band-aid solution, so we have postponed any cat adoption...for now.

Instead we are trying something called "desensitization training" which is supposed to help dogs with separation anxiety. This training consists of repeatedly doing things that we commonly do right before we leave that would make Frosty nervous. What it boiled down to was Mary-Jane and I putting on our coats and taking them off, putting on our shoes and taking them off, and grabbing our keys and putting them back down over and over again for about 1.5 to 2 hours. Needless to say WE were definitely desensitized to the procedure, and Mary-Jane joked that Frosty would probably develop hip dysplasia before any desensitizing happened, but in reality, he seemed to become a bit more calm and used to it as time went on.

I'll keep you updated...

Dog vs. Door

I'm not sure if anything else really needs to be said other than the title and that the fact that the dog won.

But either way, I'm happy to recount this incident anyway :)

Currently on Wednesday evenings, M-J and I have been playing volleyball in Coralville with some of our friends here in Iowa. Along with this has come a recent anxious streak from Frosty when we are gone in the evening. He has gotten comfortable (for the most part) with us being gone for the day at work, but if we come home and leave again, then he usually has some issues (gnawing at the door, chewing on my rubber boots, etc.).

One particular Wednesday evening M-J came home from school, fed Frosty, walked him, and then had to put him back in our unfinished part of the basement because our friends Tyson, Sarah and Ben were coming to pick her up for volleyball (I just stay in Iowa City and meet them after work to save on a trip back to Williamsburg). He barked as they left, which was the norm, and they made it into Coralville for the game, only to meet me there and learn that our game was cancelled due to a broken sewer line in the Rec Center (which we were not previously told about). We decided to head back home and then meet at the Berbs to hangout and play games, so ventured back toward Williamsburg to pick up Frosty and be on our way.

To keep this in perspective, it had been about an hour and fifteen minutes from the time M-J left Frosty and when we got back home, and when we pulled in the driveway, we heard Frosty barking and saw him standing in the window of the front door. I exclaimed to Mary-Jane, "did you remember to put him up?!?!" She assured me yes, and then I was really worried. I went in and headed straight downstairs to have my fears realized. Our dog had broken through the door that separated the unfinished and finished portions of our basement to head upstairs and wait for us. We got after him, but it was difficult; a swirling set of emotions beset upon us as we were dealing with intense frustration, awe at the destruction, and a smidgen of pride for our dog's ability to conquer the barrier. Either way, thankfully it was a relatively inexpensive, hollow core door that we can replace with little trouble, but I'll try to post pictures soon so you can enjoy the sight of the destruction that we were met with when

we got home.

Needless to say, we are currently exploring ways to help him be more calm when we are gone, and have began with some desensitization training. I'll keep you updated on whether or not that works...until then, enjoy the door carnage.

Wrong Place at the Wrong Time Part II

Apparently I had just passed through the eye of the hurricane. The few moments of time in which all is calm until the storm reappears. This time the storm was not filled with overflowing toilets and doo-doo, but over-reactions, uncomfortable embarrassment, and hilarious innuendos that only I was getting, and no one else was there to laugh with. Here's the second half of that crappy evening.

After all was clean and settled, the house went back to normal. The kids yelling and playing in the back room, the adults awkwardly staring off in space/watching "you bet your life" on DVD, me stuck in the corner playing solitaire again, and Mary-Jane's mom in the kitchen area finishing up some dishes.

This is when everything started to unravel. Mary-Jane's mom began a thought aloud with, "how could this have happened? Travis, what do you think happened?" The volume of her voice was loud enough for all to hear, and the tone was one that gave me the impression that I must have looked to her like someone holding a plunger, pipe wrench, and having my pants sag low enough for my butt to be showing (I know that is all stereotype, but I couldn't resist). I calmly thought for second, and came up with the best answer to put this matter to rest (and I still claim to be correct), "I'm not quite sure, but I think just got a bit clogged and needed to be plunged, but the handle sticking is what caused the water to overflow, and I didn't get it turned off in time." I'm not sure what my mistake was, or if I even made one, but that answer was not good enough. Perhaps it wasn't even heard by the one who asked.

My verbal response opened a floodgate of loud, persistent questioning by Mary-Jane's mom to everyone and no one all at the same time. She questioned everyone in the room, as if they needed to be spoon fed the question, sometime asked it aloud to the ceiling, but no matter the answer, she was not satisfied. This went on and on, sometimes with the mention of "poor Travis" and "Travis' clog" and other things. Finally, when I'm sure I was sweating through my first layer of clothes, she started in on how this had happened to Clyde (MJ's dad) the other day. I'm not sure to what extent the "same thing" happened, but there was at least a clog that needed to be plunged. She now went full on attack on Clyde, demanding answers, and finally frenzying her into the idea that some things needed to be checked outside near their lagoon, and demanded he go out to check. He was so lucky...he got to leave. I wished that I was Clyde right then (sigh).

The hysteria continued with constant pacing back from the bathroom to kitchen by MJ's mom, all the time barraging us with questions. When she started to worry about having to call the plumber, I stepped in and again calmly suggested that maybe the toilet should just be cleaned through, with some Draino, or maybe a plumber's snake. Finally, an idea that she took hold of! She was very adamant now about trying to get the toilet cleared.

(Side note here: The whole scenario now has been going on for about 45 min - 1 hour, and no one was allowed to use the bathroom any longer, so people were stumbling out into the dark to go number one...thankfully no number twos. There is another bathroom in the house, but MJ's mom was so afraid that all the piping was backing up from the lagoon, she didn't want to take any chances of another "waterfall catastrophe".)

Here's where things got very, very funny for me, but no one else picked up on it in the room. As MJ's mom was looking through the yellow pages at the kitchen counter, Clyde walked back in from outside and the first thing she says to him is,

"Clyde, don't you have a little snake?"

My ears perked up and I looked around, and I was apparently the only one whose mind went straight to the gutter, so I chuckled a bit under my breath and kept playing solitaire, but the fun continued. Clyde replied,

"no, I dont' think so."
She said, "Clyde, yes you do, I know you have a little snake."
"No, I don't Linda."
"Clyde, you mean to tell me you don't have a little snake, I was sure you had one! What about the time you used it two years ago."
"That was Jerry's snake, Linda, and it was a big one."
"Clyde, I know you have a little snake, just go out to the garage and find it!"
"I'm telling you I don't have a little snake!" But he trudged back out to the garage anyway and at this point I was very GLAD that I was not Clyde!

I hope this came across at least half as funny in writing as it was for me to listen to this dialogue. I was holding in laughs so much I was crying (and thankfully facing the other direction from MJ's parents) I was so glad he left, or I might have burst out laughing if they kept this going. Linda had decided by this time that she was going to call a plumber, but he was not going to be able to make it out until the next morning. He said as long as the water in the clean out was clear, we should be fine to flush the toilet (although MJ's mom hovered around the bathroom anytime someone used it to be sure everything went down fine). However, there was one last humorous moment. Clyde walked back in from the garage, head hung down and Linda approached him...

"Well," she said irritated and impatiently
"You were right, I found my snake, but it's broken"

!!!!!

That did it for me, I was trying so hard to hold back laughs that I had to go to another room where I could let out my laughs and tears. I could not believe that NO ONE ELSE in the entire house was picking up on this! I wished so much that M-J could have been there to witness this hilarious conversation!)

Things finally calmed down, and about 1 hour and a half after this whole thing started, MJ and her sister returned home, and everything was relatively back to normal, until upon being prompted by MJ's sister with the question, "How's everything going?", her mom jumped at the chance to recount the entire evening, along with more phrases such as "Travis' poop" and "stuff all over the floor" that of course made me feel like I needed a hole to crawl in, or an airplane to escape in. Either way, I walked over to Mary-Jane and uttered these few words...

"I've had a bad night."

I recounted the evening and the "snake story" to her before we went to sleep, and I received some sympathy and loads of laughs in return. In the morning, I could not have been more ready to leave, and we took off to see friends in Springfield, MO at about 8 in the morning. The plumber came, and found nothing backed up, only that the lagoon level was a bit high, probably due to an unsual amount of rain...yep, that's right, all the fuss was for nothing, and the rest of the time we spent with MJ's parents, there was ABSOLUTELY NO TROUBLE WITH THE TOILET! Shocking, huh?!?!?

Well, this wraps up this recount, hope you enjoyed reading it a lot more than I enjoyed living it!

Wrong Place at the Wrong Time

In yet another crazy holiday story, the aforementioned title held very true for me. It was the day after Christmas, and Mary-Jane's parents were having their holiday dinner that evening, along with a gift card exchange for all the adults. Dinner had already been eaten, and the house was full with her parents, myself, Mary-Jane, our two nephews, her uncle, her sister, her sister's shack-up, and his two kids...and oh yeah, Frosty too. Needless to say it was a full house, and Mary-Jane and her sister decided to run into town for a couple of hours. Normally I am very comfortable around MJ's parents, and even her nephews, but without her sister there, the man she's living with and his kids and Uncle Harry combined for one of the most uncomfortable stare out into space moments I've ever been a part of. The kids were playing and yelling, the TV was on, but no one had anything to say. I found it best to stay secluded from the occasional redneck comments and set up shop playing solitaire at the dining room table. Six other people in the room, and I opt for solitaire...yeah, it was that kind of crowd.

Anywho, after about four rounds of solitaire, nature called, so I moseyed on over to the bathroom, and upon lifting the lid, I was greeted with the remainder of someone else's business. The whole shabang, as if they didn't even flush. But, being the unsuspecting (and stupid) person I am, I figured "hey, I'll just flush it down, no big deal." Correction: Incredibly Big Deal!

I quickly realized that the twosie was going nowhere, but the water was filling the bowl at an alarming rate. I quickly got the "oh crap" feeling in my stomach and in my mind and did a couple of double take panic-stricken looks around the room for a bright idea. By this time the water was very close to the rim, and I noticed the handle was stuck on the toilet, and I reached and moved it back into position to stop the water flow...but it was too late...the horrid waterfalls de toilette had begun, and not only water was coming rushing down the sides and onto the floor, but a couple of renegade logs as well!

Thinking as fast as I could, I picked up the rugs on the floor and stealthily slipped out of the bathroom and as luck would have it, Mary-Jane's dad was right outside the door (this really was a good thing; he was seriously the ONLY person I wanted to see right then, because I knew he wouldn't make a big deal). I leaned over to him and said under my breath, 'I need a plunger in here.' No questions asked, he said okay, and went to find it. Unfortunately, he did not know where it was, so he had to asked Mary-Jane's mom, the one person I DID NOT want to know. I knew she wouldn't be upset, but I knew that now everyone else would know, and she would remind us all that it happened for quite some time after. And this wasn't even MY doing!

She now began to consistently ask, "What! A plunger, what do you need a plunger for, Clyde! What's happening in there?!?!" She said all this, not in an angry voice, but an over-dramatic, panic-stricken way (which of course brought me LOADS of comfort). Now that everyone was abreast of the situation at hand, the real culprit had their chance to come forth and admit their mistake, but NOOOOO, that did not happen, and since this was a family gathering, I was not going to be one to shout out, "It wasn't my poop! Someone else did it, someone else dropped a deuce and left it plugging up the toilet causing the mass hysteria that now ensues." Instead I just held my tongue, not admitting anything, but not denying it either. I knew at this point, it was just better to let everyone think it was my fault, because it would get the uncomfortable situation over with faster.

Anyway, back to the problem at hand...the waterfalls had ended, but there was now a small lake in the bathroom and MJ's dad came in and began plunging while I mopped/toweled/scooped up the water/debris from the whole ordeal. About five to ten minutes later, all was normal again, and we got everything sanitized and cleaned, and the toilet was clear. For now, the storm had ended, and everything was cleaned up, and the remaining household, even though aware, was content with the whole situation being over (even though SOMEONE in this pack of people was the real culprit of the unflushable twosie).

Well, of course the story doesn't end here, but I'll do a second post to follow it up.

Dog vs. Listerine

Well, M-J and I have recently returned from a crazy whirlwind "Tour of Missouri" as I have continuously dubbed our holiday travels. And there is no way we can spend that much time with our family and friends without a dozen or so oddball events occurring. This first one chronicles an evening at Mary-Jane's parents and a some miniature chaos brought on by our dog...

...On the way back from a walk with Frosty, I decided I could let him off the leash as we approached the fenced yard of Mary-Jane's parents. Without any trouble Frosty whooshed through the gate to check on his previously left bone in the front yard. I followed behind, and about the time I walked over to him, he was content with the bone's locale, and he trotted around to the back patio and porch to get into the house. When I made it around the corner I saw him sniffing in the bushes, most likely finding another item to "mark" as his in the yard. Peculiarly, he scratched at the bed of leaves beneath the bush, and picked up something in his mouth. Whatever it was, I know he wasn't supposed to have it, and I made my way over to investigate. Before I could get there, he spit it out, looked very perturbed, and ran past me to the door. As he passed I caught a whiff of what only could have been the worst smell next to death itself...I imagine if Death was to unload a "twosie" and light it ablaze, than this would be what it smelled like...and I only caught a whiff. Fighting the darkness of the evening with my LED headlamp, I noticed a moist leaf-shaped item on the ground where Frosty spat out his mouth voyager. I saw and determined it to be a practical joke put on by M-J's parent's cat, Miss Kitty (who is a boy) in which it pooped on a leaf and spread it around to make it appealing for the non-suspecting Frosty...but I can't believe the cat was that smart or cunning...point is, Frosty had poop (or worse) in his mouth.

I examined his mouth outside, and after not finding any physical evidence (other than the wretched smell described earlier) I of course did the logical thing and let him in the house to share the unique fragrance with Mary-Jane and her parents. In an instant the smell filled the room, and I exclaimed I didn't have any idea it would be that bad, that fast and M-J and I ushered Frosty into the bathroom and tub, thinking we could wash his mouth out (with what I did not know at the time, but we had to contain the smell).

Frosty happily jumped in the tub after we turned the frightening bathroom fan off, and stood there ready for whatever we were going to dish out. We figured we could at least wash his face to get any "outlying odor emitters" off his lips, and spray his mouth out with the detachable shower head. Well, the washing of the face with a rag went fine, but there was no way Frosty was going to let us storm his mouth castle. His lips were shut tight as could be, and nothing, no way, no how was getting in there (I imagine the vault at Fort Knox and Frosty must be related somehow).

After some pondering, my wife had the most splendid of "eureka!" moments. Frosty will lick anything off his face that he doesn't want there. After some debate on whether or not dogs could handle mouthwash, and then after near hurling after a waft of Frosty's breath hit us quickly ended the debate, Mary-Jane tracked down some citrus flavored listerine mouthwash, poured it in my hands, and I did the kind thing first and "offered" it to Frosty. He sniffed, and appeared uninterested, so my kindness turned to haste, and I splashed and rubbed that orangey-minty miracle juice all over his snout. Frosty did just as we planned, and his tongue scoured every inch of his muzzle, sopping up the astringing liquid. After a few unplanned sneezes, and some follow up water to drink, he emerged with fresh breath! The power of listerine not only covered up, but neutralized the nasty cat poop inferno breath.

After beating the death breath, I was inspired to wash Frosty with some waterless shampoo and spray doggie cologne on him to complete the fresh-smelling ensemble. Mary-Jane and I were so pleased at the results, we feel led to write a letter to Listerine to let them know of this story...not exactly sure how it would go, but I definitely could see a new advertising slogan or tagline - "Not even cat poop can stand up against the germ-fighting, odor-quenching power of citrus listerine! (spoken in my cool announcer voice of course)

Hope you enjoyed this holiday anecdote. There are many more to share...